The secret the drawer held
by Sapphire1112
Summary: One-shot set during the current time just after Connie left the ED to sort herself out. A fall on the slopes in Colorado lead to an honest conversation and secrets being revealed. From Sam's POV. Strachamp. I do not own the characters.


**Sam**

I've kept the secret for so long and I kept it secret because I didn't think my proposition would be well-received. In fact, I thought I'd be 'laughed out of Holby' or where ever I happened to be at the time. Not in every sense of the word, of course. Connie being Connie would have been more likely to be angry at my arrogance or something, rather than finding it funny. Or she would have just been disbelieving. I don't know which would have been worse.

Things have been much better this time around in Colorado. Our 'relationship' seems to be – dare I say it – more or less back to normal, before I behaved so badly. Normal for us anyway, I can't say that our 'relationship' was ever what most people would deem as normal. Despite how I acted towards her, I think Connie did a lot of thinking during the Cancer treatment, after she nearly died, and she seems to have decided to put it all behind her.

Of course, that adds to my guilt greatly for what I did and also for not being around when she was going through it – taking her daughter away, so that she nearly didn't see her again.

Today we went out on the slopes, the three of us. We were having a great time, until Connie's ski pole broke. I don't know how she broke it, but she fell and face-planted, much to our amusement. She wasn't hurt luckily, but her pride was. I shouldn't have laughed. It was unkind and things have gone slightly backwards in that its a little bit awkward. I did apologise for laughing and I did check she wasn't hurt before I laughed but, laughing at Connie Beauchamp is not advised and to be perfectly honest I wouldn't been happy if she had laughed at me.

There might be something else though. When we got back to the chalet, Connie went into our twin-room to change out of her wet clothes. She said she had a slight headache and asked me to bring her a glass of water. I offered her some paracetamol, but she said the water was fine. Anyway, I took her the water. To my horror, when I got to the room, I realised that that before going out to the slopes, I had left my bedside table drawer open wide.

I was so worried about this that I managed to trip over Connie and ended up throwing the water over her bed.

"Oh, well done, Sam!" She retorted sarcastically, not even commenting on why I was being so clumsy. "I have to sleep in that later!"

"Sorry." I mumbled, hurriedly shutting the drawer with my bottom as her gaze was otherwise occupied by surveying the damage I'd caused with the water. "I'll-I'll put it in front of the fire."

She just shook her head at me and left the room. It made me a bit nervous. Does that mean she saw what was in the drawer – or she didn't? If she did, she can't possibly know what the contents of the drawer means, so she must have drawn her own, wrong conclusions – what were they? And surely the incident of covering her bed with water deserved further sarcasm in her eyes – or it would have usually, so why didn't it?

As it is, we are all sat watching a film, almost as if nothing happened – other than Connie's bedding being near the fire – though not too near.

"Mind, I don't wish to be roasted, Sam" She commented, as I carefully spread it out on the airer. I moved it even further away to be safe. "Your Dad threw water over by bed." She added in answer to Gracie's quizzical expression.

The latter giggled. "Why?"

"Accident." I muttered and it was left there, except, as I said there is a slight awkwardness in the atmosphere, but Grace hasn't picked up on that yet. She won't if Connie has anything to do with it, but if she does, she will probably just put it down to her mum's embarrassment about her fall on the slopes.

I have found myself, yet again, sat next to Connie. Grace says 'I want to sit next to Mummy because I get you all the time' and she likes to have her legs lying on the sofa apparently. I try to put my arm around Connie. She tenses up slightly but otherwise doesn't react and she doesn't move away – not that she can really with Grace on her other side. I do notice though, that a lot of the time she doesn't really seem to be watching the film, instead staring sadly at her knees, deep in thought. By the end of the film, I'm more or less convinced that she saw the contents in the drawer and when Grace goes to bed, I'm debating whether to try broaching the subject, but Connie has other ideas.

She stands up and walks over to the fire. "I'm tired." She comments, attempting to retrieve her bedding, before sighing and flinging herself back on the sofa – I say flinging. Connie's Beauchamp doesn't really do 'flinging'! The bedding is not yet dry. My fault, of course – I stood it too far away from the fire.

"You can have my bed." I suggest, trying to be chivalrous. "I'll sleep on the sofa. I can use the blanket Grace brought with her for the plane." Connie seems happy with my suggestion – until I'm about to get under the blanket. I notice her standing by the door, watching me.

"You're not really going to sleep on the sofa, are you?" She questions.

"Yes, I was." I confirm. "Why?"

She shuffles her feet – another sign of awkwardness. "I don't really want Grace to come out and see you on the sofa – she'll think we're not talking. Besides..." She pauses, a little uncomfortably before continuing. "Its not as if we haven't shared a bed before is it." And with that she disappears back into the twin room, before I can answer.

As we lie there, Connie suddenly asks "Who is she then?"

"wh-" I start, but Connie continues, not waiting for an answer.

"Who ever it is, I hope you find happiness. I really mean that, Sam. Just because I can't, it doesn't mean you shouldn't. At least one of us should be happy and as long as Grace is happy too, you can do what you want...or maybe its what you gave Emma and you're holding on to it – maybe you're back with Emma."

She just can't seem to stop now and its more like she's thinking aloud, rather than expecting me to answer.

"I assume you did split up with Emma – Grace said you did. I never understood why, but I didn't ask. It's none of my business."

She takes a breathe and I take my chance.

"I left the drawer open by accident and I assume you saw what was in it?"

"I wasn't prying and I didn't look in the box...but yes, I saw the ring box." She agrees. "You don't have to tell me." She mumbles. "It's none of my business. Just forget I said anything, Sam." She turns over, so that she is facing the wall away from me.

I take a deep breath. "It is your business." I don't know how to tell her. "You're going to laugh or tell me I'm arrogant or something." I hesitate.

"No I won't." She promises me uncharacteristically – still facing the wall.

"That's why I left Holby" I admit, at long last spilling my secret. She doesn't say anything, so I carry on. "Things were going so well. I had a moment of madness and I bought it."

"You bought it for me?" Connie exclaims, sounding astounded. She doesn't really believe what she is asking and turns back to look at me.

I shrug and quickly sit up so that she can't see my face as I make my confession. "I came to my senses when I got home. I knew you'd never say 'yes' and I ran away instead...now you know."

"Why wouldn't I say 'yes'?" She presses. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

"Well...I...Just didn't think you would" I stammer. "And I chickened out."

It makes sense now. Why she looked so sad during the film. It seems she was hoping for something more, maybe deep down and she thought I was with someone else.

"So, will you?" I whisper hopefully.

"There is just one thing I don't get." She tells me.

She's going to say 'No' after all.

"What"

"You could have any women in the world." She states. "...so why the hell would you choose me?!"

"What?" Its all I can say.

She stutters, which is very unusual for Connie. "I'm-I'm nothing!"

"Connie!" I exclaim, unable to stop myself. "You're everything! You're the only women I've ever really loved. Maria came close and Emma came close – until I met you again, but no one matches up to you – no one!"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew." She mutters under her breath.

"Knew what?" I ask, looking back at her. I discover that she has turned to face the wall again.

There's a long pause. "No. No, I can't tell you." She decides, sounding miserable, before whispering, "You'll hate me even more than Charlie does and I can't cope with that. I'm sorry."

I swallow. "Connie, I'm not going to push you to tell me anything you don't want to, but you have to know that there is nothing you could say to make me hate you. Nothing." I risk placing my hand on her arm comfortingly and she takes a deep breath.

"OK, but Grace can never find out." She turns back over. "Promise me, Sam." She pleads. "Because if she does, then I can't be around her any more. I don't mean to scare you, but I really don't think I could cope with the shame of her knowing what I've become. It's awful. You're going to be so ashamed to."

"Grace will never find out." I promise.

She tells me all about being attacked by a relative and the painkiller addiction which followed. She tells me about the things she did and how angry Charlie is with her – how he dismissed her from her job.

"You're ashamed aren't you?" She mutters, as I cover my face with my hands.

"Not of you" I whisper, my guilt quickly consuming me.

"Of what, then?" She asks in a relieved kind of surprise.

"I should have been there, Con." I mumble. "I should have been looking after you. I'm so so sorry. But if you say 'yes' I promise I will look after you from now on." I continue. She won't say 'Yes'. She won't.

The next morning, Grace comes in to breakfast and Connie beams at her. "Sweetie, your Dad and I have something to tell you."

"Oh, what?" She asks – her mouth full of toast.

Connie holds her hand out. Grace bounces out of her seat and starts jumping up and down, causing Simba bark excitedly. Grace flings her arms around us both. Her Mum and Dad together.

It's all she ever wanted.


End file.
